Untitled

I'm grateful that you worry
And I appreciate your concern
But why on earth are you lecturing me
For things beyond my control?
It's nice to know I matter
And it's sweet to know you care
But I'm not doing this on purpose
It's something I can't stop
I know that you can't see how deeply
Your words have caused me pain
You gently comfort others
But tell me I should be ashamed
Just because you cannot see
How truly sick I am
Or how badly this illness hurts me
You think I have no need
For love or comforting words
You cannot see how badly
My heart has begun to hurt
You hold me at arms length
Afraid you'll catch it too
When the very thing I need
Is a kiss, a hug, a smile
Or just a kind word from you

© 1991-2009 Samantha Greene

For the record, I am sick. I am not anorexic. I am not on a crash diet. I am not starving myself. I AM SICK. Please stop fussing at me for losing weight. I'M NOT DOING IT ON PURPOSE!!! I AM SICK!!!

Empty

What barren grave before me lies
What hollow hope within me cries
When faith and dreams and love has died
And broken wings no longer fly

© 1991-2009 Samantha Greene

Untitled

It's so hard to hide the pain that I feel
Knowing that no one would ever understand
It's hard to feel so alone no matter
Who is standing with me
It's hard to hide the scars I bear
And harder to still to live those days
When those scars feel like a failure
But the hardest thing I think
Is to live in a world where so many
Claim to know and love me
Yet never see the sadness;
Or the pain;
Never see how hard it is
For me to be happy
They simply see what they want,
Smile and pat my hand
As they hurry along
To more important things.

© 1991-2009 Samantha Greene

Locked Away

See that woman over there
The one you think is
So strong
So sure
So brave?
The one you think doesn't need
Anyone
Or anything?
The one you think is trying
To manipulate and control you?
She's not as strong as you think she is.
She's just good at hiding.
Good at hiding her worry;
Good at hiding her pain;
Good at hiding her scars;
Good at hiding herself.
She knows that just because
You claim to love her
Doesn't mean
That she can trust you.
She's never trusted anyone;
And she's never been disappointed.

© 1991-2009 Samantha Greene

Hurt

Sometimes, you just can't say it any better than someone else already has...



I hurt myself today
to see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
the only thing that's real
the needle tears a hole
the old familiar sting
try to kill it all away
but I remember everything

what have I become?
my sweetest friend
everyone I know
goes away in the end
and you could have it all
my empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

I wear this crown of thorns
upon my liar's chair
full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
beneath the stains of time
the feelings disappear
you are someone else
I am still right here

what have I become?
my sweetest friend
everyone I know
goes away in the end
and you could have it all
my empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

if I could start again
a million miles away
I would keep mysel
fI would find a way...

Unworthy

With all the darkness that courses through my veins,
With all the misery I have caused and known,
How can they look to me for guidance?
With all the sins I have committed,
And the thousand more that I have considered,
How can they ask me to teach them?
If they could see the dark secrets
That hide in my heart,
Perhaps they would understand.
Though I may see
I am blind.
Though I may hear
I am deaf.
And I am far too lost
To show them the way.

© 1991-2009 Samantha Greene

My Pack

How it warms my heart and fills my day with happiness
When I awake and you hear the first sounds of my stirring
And come running to the bed, like a little herd of elephants
To kiss my eyes and lick my face and nose,
To bat my cheek and shake the bed with your wagging tail
With meows to show how pitifully you need my immediate attention
And whines to show how hard you're trying not to bark for joy
As if you'd been alone for years, instead of a mere few hours
As if nothing in the world has ever made you happier
Than to know that I'm still here
And though it warms my heart, it also makes me sad
That no one else has ever made me feel so loved

© 1991-2009 Samantha Greene

the only one

sometimes i wonder
if i'm the only one
who feels like
they're going crazy
if i'm the only one
who feels like
life's too hard
if i'm the only one
who feels like
they're worthless
if i'm the only one
who feels like
time's not on my side
if i'm the only one
who feels like
they're lost

© 1991-2009 Samantha Greene

Vision

I saw the truth...
I saw beyond the stars...
I saw what others
Could not,
Would not,
See.
I saw what was beyond...
And somehow,
It made sense
That it was
Nothing.

© 1991-2009 Samantha Greene

From A Distance

I guess my writing makes it
Easy to see
From the outside.
And so removed...
I wonder
Which is sadder?
The fact that I'm so desperate?
Or
The fact that you don't see it?

© 1991-2009 Samantha Greene

No More...

I just wonder
What you'd think,
If you knew,
How many times
I regretted
Making that promise.
I really do love you...
But I really don't want
To be here anymore...
It just
Hurts too much.
I'm sorry.
But you shouldn't
Worry too much.
I was never
That brave
Anyway.

© 1991-2009 Samantha Greene

Broken

Damnit.
Everything keeps coming out
Wrong today.
I hate to feel
So out of sorts.
So off balance.
I hate these days.
They're so hard to
Fight through.
And it's almost not worth
Getting out of bed,
Or even breathing.
And all I want is
To cry until
It doesn't hurt anymore.

© 1991-2009 Samantha Greene

Breakdown

it hurts so much to remember
and it's all in a fog anyway...
yes, i know that i knew her,
and that i should remember him...
but it's all so fuzzy
in my mind...
i know everyone thinks
i'm getting old
before my time...
they make jokes and
laugh about it...
i can't put the names
to faces anymore...
i can't recall if
we were friends
or enemies
anymore...
i've forgotten
so much more
than i realized...
and i wonder if they
would still laugh about it
if they knew why...
it's so hard to
think straight
after
you've been broken...

© 1991-2009 Samantha Greene

Steven

I was looking through some old things.
Pictures,
Letters,
Cards.
And I saw your letter.
You said I was the most
Profound and truthful
Person you had ever met.
I wish I could remember
What I ever did
To impress you.

© 1991-2009 Samantha Greene

Steven, you were one of the most...interesting friends I've ever had. I wish I could find you again.

Who Am I?

I am everything
I am nothing
I am not enough
I am too much
I am never what you need
I am never what you want
I am simply what you have
I am the one who waits for you
To get tired and come back
I am the one who makes due
With what you choose to give
I am one who can never trust again
You bruised my heart
I would have loved you
Like no other could
If you had only been willing
To love only me...

27 August 2008

© 1991-2009 Samantha Greene

Emptiness Surrounds

My heart is so empty
Everyone has tried to fill it
But there simply isn't enough
Friendship or Love
In the world
To fill the aching void
Left behind
By a child
That wasn't even mine

13 December 2001

© 1991-2009 Samantha Greene

Regret

Dancing with the sun in among the clouds of a winter day
Trying to find the one I lost somewhere along the way
Searching, looking, always hoping, calling out his name
And if I find him, will he listen to what I need to say
Dancing with the sun in among the clouds of a winter day
Lost and lonely, fogotten, hoping, nothing left to pray

© 1991-2009 Samantha Greene

rainfilled memories

rainfilled memories
left in the gloomy night
to be forgotten
like an old jar left
forgotten
filling with rainwater
they fill with
despair, loneliness
they are lost to me
as the rain slowly pours down
darkness settles in
rain fills the jar
despair fills the memory
the cup runneth over
the rain still falls
falling
falling
rainfilled memories
left in the gloomy night

6 September 1994

© 1991-2009 Samantha Greene

Eyes Wide Closed

When I close my eyes at night
I then can clearly see
The one I still love dearly
Who no longer cares for me

When I close my eyes in thought
I can see the one whom I hate
The one I wish most to leave
But who I cannot push away

When I close my eyes in despair
I can see the two of us together
The way we once were
When you said forever

14 September 1994

© 1991-2009 Samantha Greene

Lost

Softly calling
Hear my plea
Yet no one answers
Nor cares to love
Tears fall helplessly
From a broken heart
As lovelight slowly fades

The dream has been shattered
A river of misery
A tide of regrets
I wish I could
Make it all right

7 November 1994