Untitled

It's so hard to hide the pain that I feel
Knowing that no one would ever understand
It's hard to feel so alone no matter
Who is standing with me
It's hard to hide the scars I bear
And harder to still to live those days
When those scars feel like a failure
But the hardest thing I think
Is to live in a world where so many
Claim to know and love me
Yet never see the sadness;
Or the pain;
Never see how hard it is
For me to be happy
They simply see what they want,
Smile and pat my hand
As they hurry along
To more important things.

© 1991-2009 Samantha Greene

Locked Away

See that woman over there
The one you think is
So strong
So sure
So brave?
The one you think doesn't need
Anyone
Or anything?
The one you think is trying
To manipulate and control you?
She's not as strong as you think she is.
She's just good at hiding.
Good at hiding her worry;
Good at hiding her pain;
Good at hiding her scars;
Good at hiding herself.
She knows that just because
You claim to love her
Doesn't mean
That she can trust you.
She's never trusted anyone;
And she's never been disappointed.

© 1991-2009 Samantha Greene

Hurt

Sometimes, you just can't say it any better than someone else already has...



I hurt myself today
to see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
the only thing that's real
the needle tears a hole
the old familiar sting
try to kill it all away
but I remember everything

what have I become?
my sweetest friend
everyone I know
goes away in the end
and you could have it all
my empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

I wear this crown of thorns
upon my liar's chair
full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
beneath the stains of time
the feelings disappear
you are someone else
I am still right here

what have I become?
my sweetest friend
everyone I know
goes away in the end
and you could have it all
my empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

if I could start again
a million miles away
I would keep mysel
fI would find a way...

Unworthy

With all the darkness that courses through my veins,
With all the misery I have caused and known,
How can they look to me for guidance?
With all the sins I have committed,
And the thousand more that I have considered,
How can they ask me to teach them?
If they could see the dark secrets
That hide in my heart,
Perhaps they would understand.
Though I may see
I am blind.
Though I may hear
I am deaf.
And I am far too lost
To show them the way.

© 1991-2009 Samantha Greene

the only one

sometimes i wonder
if i'm the only one
who feels like
they're going crazy
if i'm the only one
who feels like
life's too hard
if i'm the only one
who feels like
they're worthless
if i'm the only one
who feels like
time's not on my side
if i'm the only one
who feels like
they're lost

© 1991-2009 Samantha Greene

From A Distance

I guess my writing makes it
Easy to see
From the outside.
And so removed...
I wonder
Which is sadder?
The fact that I'm so desperate?
Or
The fact that you don't see it?

© 1991-2009 Samantha Greene

No More...

I just wonder
What you'd think,
If you knew,
How many times
I regretted
Making that promise.
I really do love you...
But I really don't want
To be here anymore...
It just
Hurts too much.
I'm sorry.
But you shouldn't
Worry too much.
I was never
That brave
Anyway.

© 1991-2009 Samantha Greene

Broken

Damnit.
Everything keeps coming out
Wrong today.
I hate to feel
So out of sorts.
So off balance.
I hate these days.
They're so hard to
Fight through.
And it's almost not worth
Getting out of bed,
Or even breathing.
And all I want is
To cry until
It doesn't hurt anymore.

© 1991-2009 Samantha Greene

Time

Eleven years is a long time
To know someone,
To love someone,
And still not trust them;
Still not know the little things,
Like my favorite song,
My favorite book;
To still not understand
That sometimes I will be sad
No matter what you do;
And sometimes I will laugh
No matter how mad it makes you.

It's a long time to know me
And yet still not understand,
That no matter what you say or do,
There will always be times
That I must be alone.
There will always be places
Where you cannot follow.

Eleven years is a long time
Much too long
For me to ever expect
For you to change.

© 1991-2009 Samantha Greene

Breakdown

it hurts so much to remember
and it's all in a fog anyway...
yes, i know that i knew her,
and that i should remember him...
but it's all so fuzzy
in my mind...
i know everyone thinks
i'm getting old
before my time...
they make jokes and
laugh about it...
i can't put the names
to faces anymore...
i can't recall if
we were friends
or enemies
anymore...
i've forgotten
so much more
than i realized...
and i wonder if they
would still laugh about it
if they knew why...
it's so hard to
think straight
after
you've been broken...

© 1991-2009 Samantha Greene

Emptiness Surrounds

My heart is so empty
Everyone has tried to fill it
But there simply isn't enough
Friendship or Love
In the world
To fill the aching void
Left behind
By a child
That wasn't even mine

13 December 2001

© 1991-2009 Samantha Greene

Aurora

I don't know whose hand brought you to us
Maybe it was God, or maybe just Fate
It doesn't really matter
What matters is that you came
You brought sunshine into our lives
We didn't even know we were living in darkness
Until you came
And, oh, how we loved you

We watched your first steps
And heard your first words
You filled holes in our souls and hearts
That we didn't even know were there
We didn't realize how much we needed you
Until you were already with us

Every day with you
Was a moment stolen from heaven
Every tear you cried
Shattered my heart
Every laugh from your lips
Captured my soul
I was so proud
To call you mine

Time seemed to pass so quickly
While you were with me
And now it crawls so slowly
You filled such a void in my life
And somehow
Left an even bigger one behind

Now each day dawns darker than the one before
Each night stretches out longer than the last
Each breath becomes harder to draw
Each heartbeat lasts an eternity
I have never been so lonely
Nor so heartbroken
I have never felt so lost
Or betrayed
I would rather have died myself
Than to have lost you

I hid my tears
I buried my pain
I built a wall
And sometimes
There's a crack in the wall
And my pain and tears escape
Lashes out
At the ones I love
I don't know how to heal
The wound on my heart

Everyone who cared
Told me to move on
But how can I?
A piece of myself
Has been ripped away
And I should get over it?
How do I move on
When memories drag me back?
How can I live my life
When I feel my life is gone?
If it's not better by now
Will it ever be?
Or should I simply give up?

I know my life
Is defined by more than a child
But why
Just this once
Can't I have
What I've always wanted most?
Are my prayers
Than unimportant?
Or only me?

13 December 2001

© 1991-2009 Samantha Greene

rainfilled memories

rainfilled memories
left in the gloomy night
to be forgotten
like an old jar left
forgotten
filling with rainwater
they fill with
despair, loneliness
they are lost to me
as the rain slowly pours down
darkness settles in
rain fills the jar
despair fills the memory
the cup runneth over
the rain still falls
falling
falling
rainfilled memories
left in the gloomy night

6 September 1994

© 1991-2009 Samantha Greene

Eyes Wide Closed

When I close my eyes at night
I then can clearly see
The one I still love dearly
Who no longer cares for me

When I close my eyes in thought
I can see the one whom I hate
The one I wish most to leave
But who I cannot push away

When I close my eyes in despair
I can see the two of us together
The way we once were
When you said forever

14 September 1994

© 1991-2009 Samantha Greene

Lost

Softly calling
Hear my plea
Yet no one answers
Nor cares to love
Tears fall helplessly
From a broken heart
As lovelight slowly fades

The dream has been shattered
A river of misery
A tide of regrets
I wish I could
Make it all right

7 November 1994

Peace

A creek's trickle
A whippoorwill's call
Crickets' chirping
So quiet
So still
No sound of people
No city's bustle
Devoid of the whine of tires
And the honking of horns

Oh, how poets search for such peace in the poems
How writers strive for such tranquility in their words
Through the ages, mankind has sought to define peace

'Tis such a pity
Had they but asked
I would have shared the secret

For the only peace
That a human can know
Is the depressing peace
Of loneliness

14 December 2001

Soul

Raindrops fall
From a broken heart
To hit the windowpanes
Of my soul
They slide down the glass
Into a black pool
That human eyes
Can never see
A wind blows
Across my mind
Carrying a tune
I have never heard
Reminding me of a place
I have never been
And of a face
I can never forget
My heart cries out
It's love
But he cannot hear
The plea
He can only hear the heartbeat
Of the girl he loves
And he will never call me
His goddess
But I still love him

31 August 1994

My World Has Fallen

Crying at the window
Slowly the rain falls
My world has fallen
I cannot take much more
What did I do wrong? I asked
He never did reply
Where did I go wrong? I demanded
He simply watched me cry
And turned away
Left the love that I so cherished
To fall to ruin and decay
Misery and heartache
Are old, dear friends
They visit me often now
My world has fallen
And no one can put it back
The way it was
When you were mine.

31 August 1994

If...

If I had called your name
Before that door swung shut
Would you have heard me?
Would you have stopped;
Turned;
And come back to me?

If I had said "I'm sorry"
Before you touched that doorknob
Would you have believed me?
Would you have hugged me,
Tears in your eyes
Apologizing too?

If I had told you I loved you
Before I said anything else,
Would I still be miserable?
Sitting here all alone,
Wishing I had said
Something else?

21 December 2001

Never Forgotten

Sometimes I wish I could turn back time
To just before I lost you
Other times I wish I could go back
To just before I found you
And I wonder if the one who said
That losing was better than not having
Ever had anything to lose
Sometimes I wish I'd never lost you
And then I curse the day I found you
But never doubt I miss you
And never worry I love you

21 December 2001