Untitled

Sometimes when I'm alone and have a quiet moment to think
I wonder what my life would be like if you had known how to love me
Sometimes I wonder who I'd be today if you had been
What all children should have and not what you were
Would I be half as strong
If I hadn't had to treat you
As if you were a child?
Would I still know right from wrong
If I hadn't watched you
Manipulate and lie?
Would I still fear being the center of attention
If I hadn't watched you
Create such horrendous scenes?
Would I still pretend I wasn't sick
If I hadn't seen you
Pretend to commit suicide so many times
Just for attention?
Would I still be so obsessed with being in control
If I hadn't seen you lose yours
So many times?
Would I still be so obsessed with being loved
If I hadn't spent so many years
Fighting for love from you?
And how do I forgive you for all that you've done
When in your own mind
You never did anything wrong?

© 1991-2009 Samantha Greene

Altar Call

As I walked through the doors and I sat down in the pew
I knew somehow that I did not belong
I don't know why I came; I don't know why I stayed
When the urge to run away was so strong
But I had the strangest feeling he was talking just to me
When the preacher said it's time to make a choice
But I bowed my head in shame, knowing God could not want me
Then at my side I heard this gentle voice

Don't you know Me? Don't you love Me?
Can't you trust that I will never bring you harm?
Are you lonely? Are you hurting?
Why won't you let Me hold you in My arms?
Because I love you
Oh, how I love you

My emptiness consumed me, as the choir sang a hymn
And the preacher stood and gave the altar call
As my past flashed through my mind; all the many wrongs I'd done
My eyes fell on the cross upon the wall
Tears slid down my face, that I wasn't good enough
Then the preacher spoke of mercy undeserved
Of a Father who loved me, and would always forgive me
The somewhere in these words I found the nerve

Do you know Me? Do you love Me?
Can you trust that I will never bring you harm?
Are you lonely? Are you hurting?
Why won't you let Me hold you in My arms?
Because I love you
Oh, how I love you

I knelt down at the rail and I repeated the prayer
And all at once, my pain and hurt were gone
As I stood and turned around, that's when I could finally see
It was the one place on earth that I belonged

Because He knows me; and He loves me
And I can trust that He will never do me harm
I'm not lonely; I'm not hurting
Because I'm finally held safe within His arms
Because He loves me
Oh, how He loves me

© 1991-2009 Samantha Greene

Untitled

I'm grateful that you worry
And I appreciate your concern
But why on earth are you lecturing me
For things beyond my control?
It's nice to know I matter
And it's sweet to know you care
But I'm not doing this on purpose
It's something I can't stop
I know that you can't see how deeply
Your words have caused me pain
You gently comfort others
But tell me I should be ashamed
Just because you cannot see
How truly sick I am
Or how badly this illness hurts me
You think I have no need
For love or comforting words
You cannot see how badly
My heart has begun to hurt
You hold me at arms length
Afraid you'll catch it too
When the very thing I need
Is a kiss, a hug, a smile
Or just a kind word from you

© 1991-2009 Samantha Greene

For the record, I am sick. I am not anorexic. I am not on a crash diet. I am not starving myself. I AM SICK. Please stop fussing at me for losing weight. I'M NOT DOING IT ON PURPOSE!!! I AM SICK!!!